This will be a amateur blog series featuring my existential crisis. I hope someone can relate to things I write and find some comfort. If you’re experiencing similar things don’t hesitate to write to me and most importantly; don’t forget that you’re not alone and you’re not the only person feeling this way.
Communicating with someone requires a two-way street. The person you talk to must acknowledge what you mean and respond accordingly or it just becomes a null message rather than a conversation/communication. In order to know what I mean in these blogs you need to be “awoken”.
- Who is Awoken?
An awoken person is a person who stopped walking looking on ground and instead dared to look up and gaze upon the stars. I know I’m a cliché for using those words but you know what I mean. I categorize people according to this rush hour cycle behavior. First I look if she’s even aware of the cycle and then if she’s accepted the cycle happily or she’s trying to escape. Majority of the people belong to the first category: “asleep”. They don’t acknowledge the cycle at all or they just see its outline. They continue living between their work and home without a meaning. “Awoken” ones are different. If you’re accepting the cycle as it is you’re most probably a person who loves money and everything related to it which I don’t sympathize at all. The real awoken I refer to is the kind of people who’s trying to get out of the cycle and seek a real meaning for their lives. I see them as my companions, my comrades, my road buddies.
I’m struggling with existential crisis for nearly 6 years by now. Everything is changed when fire natio– ahm. Everything is changed the year I register to a university. I broke my protective parent shell and went to the biggest city on my country as a student. Of course it was a big decision and I wasn’t aware at that time that I was exposed to life without any restrictions of family. After some time feeling of loneliness caused by the overpopulation and the monotony of life hit me hard without even me realizing. I started questioning the meaning of life as many before me. “Why these people go to work everyday? Why they care about money this much? Why am I even alive? Why I matter? What is the purpose?” I asked. If you don’t persuade yourself to an answer questions get uglier and darker. It evolves and multiplies to something like “Why should I even get up? Why should I even study?” If you’re familiar with the feeling you know what I mean and you know words can’t describe the negativity or the emptiness you had. If you’re not familiar, don’t get so defensive. I’m not trying to enroll you to my secret emo cult. Try to relate. These questions don’t just evolve in one night too, it sometimes take a month or a year. You don’t always feel depressed too. But when you’re, you don’t even want to get up from the bed. You try to find something to ease your depression to numb your mind. Worst case it’s alcohol and drugs, best case it’s music, writing, video games (video games are good for you, mmkaay?) . If it works you don’t care what it is.
If you get more entangled with your unanswered questions you begin to slip away from your responsibilities. Like classes. I didn’t go to any class for 2 years without my parents’ knowledge. I know. Yeah. You get in to a “negative feedback loop” as Jordan Peterson describes. More you feel angry at yourself more you get depressed, more you get depressed more you slack your responsibilities. A depressed mind doesn’t function like a normal one too, you don’t see the obvious details of life.
My first breakthrough I experienced was a epiphany moment I had when I was walking to the home. Everything just clicked. It’s frustrating that I can’t put that moment in a cause/effect relation, though. It just happened. Call it whatever you want. I felt a power in me I didn’t feel in a long time. I felt like I can do anything and change anything. Even if I can’t change anything, I should just try it, I thought. What did I have to lose? I confronted my parents. I explained them everything and tried (try is the keyword here) to express my feelings. In conclusion I changed my university, got in a random job which I can use my English (only positive thing I can write to my CV: knows English). Everything was better. It wasn’t the best, but it was better. It was a breath of fresh air to me. Nothing just went away. But this time things were different. At least I wasn’t just accepting my dark clouds as it is, I was fighting against them.
My biggest breakthrough was the discovery of the “hole”. I discovered a hole in my life. Feeling of emptiness guided me there. Then I started playing lego with that hole but nothing fit. I put “loved ones” but there was still emptiness left, I put “money/career” and it just fell into the hole. Then I realized, hole only gets filled with religion. Because religion tells you the answers you crave for. This gets you to the two possible conclusion. It’s either a religion hole and that’s why nothing else fits or people just smelted a religion disk themselves to fill that hole. It’s really all there is to it. You either believe in God or not.
If you’re curious, my reasoning was if humanity made a religion disk to fill the mysterious hole there should be another smelted disk lying somewhere forgotten. But we didn’t find any to this day and there is no evidence of its existence. Then it really must be the religion hole, I thought. There must be a God because this religion of his can’t be human-made it has to be divine. And he created this hole for the sole purpose of his creation should think about life and seek his existence. Putting this idea as my main thesis I started thinking about current religions. I started thinking about the concept of a God and his features/traits. I should emphasize here that I come from a religious family. They didn’t push me in believing but they expected it. In my younger years without realizing I accepted religion like a culture from my family not a purpose for life. But now it was different. I realized, religion gives you all the answers you seek, it says why you’re alive, it says where you came from, it says where you’ll go when you die. Everything. When you put those answers to your hole everything starts to make sense. You get a purpose, you get a meaning. You get a reason to get out from the bed and go to work/class. You function. You complete your “Awakening”.
But which religion is geniune? It’s a whole another story.
- Where is the end?
Questions never end, answers never fully satisfy. You’re not the first person who questions existence and you’ll not be the last. The reason why these questions don’t have an expiration date on them is because there is no definite answer. And if there was a definite answer, there wouldn’t be any “believes” in this world. You BELIEVE there is a God, you BELIEVE there is a purpose for you, you BELIEVE all is for nothing.
Only way you can free yourself is through choosing a belief using rational thinking and persuading yourself according to it. Nothing more or nothing less.